


Unbecoming

by natrash (LeviAckerhan)



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, F/M, For Okikagu week although it doesn't connect with today's prompt, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-18 16:22:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4712531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeviAckerhan/pseuds/natrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you lose an important person, you lose some of your sanity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unbecoming

**Author's Note:**

> Setting: Slightly movie-verse. Before her fallout with Shinpachi, during the chaos in Kabuki-cho when Gintoki went missing (before the 5-year timeskip).
> 
> =====================  
> A/N: A lot of things/emotions bunched up in one fic. Too serious, possibly OOC. I don't know if this is good enough, but I have always wanted to write something about this topic (what topic? no spoilers! lmao)  
> I lost my tablet pen (FFFFF!!) so in lieu of a fanart, I wrote this in celebration of Okikagu week, although it doesn't follow today's theme.  
> Like always, special thanks to my lovely Taya for proofreading. If any of you spot any mistakes or discrepancies, please tell me. I do think that my writing style could make things seem repetitive, so if you have any critiques on this aspect, you're welcome to send in some comments. I'm open to critiques, although my fragile heart will be broken if you openly bash my work.  
> Anyways, enjoy!

_Bloodlust._

That was the only thing Okita Sougo saw when he looked at the girl standing on top of the roof, three buildings away from him. Two spear-wielding men, clad in long robes and masks, lunged at the seemingly frail figure, only to be hurled away by the force of a single kick.

Blood splattered violently across the roof tiles.

The silence and the smell of blood drifted across the bitter night breeze, almost sending a chill down his spine. Normally he would revel in this kind of scenario, but this time around, it was far from the case. The unsettling atmosphere and the sense of familiarity nauseated him.

One of the men tried to grab a spear, most likely planning to fling it at her, but the girl stomped his head against the roof with a single jump. There was not even a scream, but that man was most likely dead.

Okita Sougo knew of only one person who's capable of this degree of strength.

_**China.** _

Okita swiftly jumped over the roofs, speeding over to the girl's location. He kept his sword sheathed, but his fingers tightly clasped the handle just in case.

"Oi, China!" he called out upon landing, even though he wasn't exactly sure why he did.

He didn't get a reply; she stood there, clenching and unclenching her fists.

God knows Okita Sougo wasn't a patient man, especially not in a critical battle like this. In a battlefield, a single moment wasted could mean countless lives going straight to the maker's. There was no room for hesitation and senseless pondering—he knew that all too well—yet despite that fact, he found himself watching her and debating against himself.

Why did he stop?

Why did he call out to her, as if he's losing her?

His eyebrows scrunched up together. This was not a time to loiter about. If she wasn't going to answer, he'd just have to force an answer out of her. And that's what he was going to do, until he noticed the patterns of her breathing.

The sounds. The depth. The motion.

It seemed as if she was _in pain_.

Forget interrogating her; the priority was now to make sure if this was _indeed_ China. From the moment he set his eyes on her earlier on, he knew she wasn't _her._ There was something dark about her that's enveloping her usual brightness. When he spotted her presence, the annoying bright spark that usually followed her wasn't there. And for some reason, this disturbed him.

"Oi, oi, you okay?" He shot the question with a hint of attempted nonchalance. Never had he ever imagined that he'd be asking this question to a Yato, let alone this China girl.

"Go away..." he heard her mutter.

Of all he was expecting, he didn't expect her voice to _waver_ like that.

"What's gotten into you? You-"

"I said GO AWAY!" her punch sent him flying onto the roof of the next building.

_That hurt._

Sougo wiped the blood on his lips.

_Was this her true strength?_

If she didn't shock him so much, he would've avoided that punch, like how he did in every each of their encounters. However, rather than the shock, there was also another feeling gnawing at him, something he noticed when her fist hit him.

—There was fear in that punch.

He wasn't sure how he had managed to discern this one emotion among the others. Was it _that_ strong that it had become so apparent, letting it leak beyond physical quantity?

And why _fear_?

Countless questions started resonating in his mind. Despite being one of 'the brains' in the Shinsengumi, all these questions jumbling together still brought havoc in his mind. He knew that he'd have to fix this mess, but how does he start when he couldn't figure out what the problem was?

And getting an answer out of her was out of the question as well; that punch he got had shown more than enough that she didn't want any words with him. Truth to be told, he did not expect to get that sort of a reaction out of her. Even if it was _China_ , she would've been more diplomatic.

There must be something else; something that's currently consuming her soul, that she feared enough to let it take over.

Fear, fear, fear...

His grip on his sword grew tighter as he tried to think of a fear that might have affected this much out of a person.

From material fear to psychological reasons, his mind tried to stimulate and analyze every possible explanation.

He kept his eyes on her as he was desperately searching for an answer. Observing each of her movements, he tried to connect the details he found and considered every possibility that might gain him some insight to what she's actually feeling.

While he watched her continuous assault against the hordes of incoming attackers, things finally clicked when he saw the anguish in her eyes.

Beyond family, there was something he knew could easily tear someone apart.

A trickle of sweat dropped from his jaw without him realizing.

He trailed after her speedy jumps, swallowing as he saw her smash an attacker in the gut. If she wasn't engulfed in this dark aura, he would've enjoyed witnessing her violent outbreak. Her movements were like a death dance; it was fiery and brutal, limbs swaying gracefully with just enough force to crush the bones upon contact. It was an addictive storm of violent elegance, enough to make him kneel over in desire.

—But this wasn't her.

The nimble kicks with the strength of a hundred bears? That wasn't her. The havoc-wreaking punch of death? That wasn't her.

This whole carnage wasn't her.

And it hurt him to know that she was experiencing the things that he knew he had experienced before.

Okita tightened the hold against his sword.

The fear of yourself—it was something that could break the mind far more destructively than fear towards any other subjects. With other fears, you could eliminate the subjects, either by killing it, subverting it, or simply avoiding it. However, battling with our own demons wasn't as easy as that. There are, voices, images, things, inside ourselves that we can't run away from. They could overwhelm you in a matter of seconds. And if you aren't strong enough to fight back, they could swallow you whole, leaving you nothing but an empty shell of a human.

—And more so when the demon you're battling against is a Yato demon.

Okita gritted his teeth together as he unsheathed his sword and jumped to her front. Kagura halted her movements when he faced her, taking a second to register what's in her vision. But shortly after that, she began attacking him, seeming impervious of the opponent she was fighting against.

"Oi, China! When are you going to stop?" he hopped backwards as he evaded her strike. She didn't allow him much time to recoup as she was already dashing forward with her arm ready for a blow. Like a bat out of hell, she continuously barraged him with blows and kicks. He almost had no time to catch his breath as he jumped, crouched, and tumbled to dodge her attacks.

In a moment of slip-up, he landed too close to her attack range, and she leaped forward in a swift movement, kicking him in the gut and sending him 10 feet away to the back.

He let out a short groan at the pain in his abdomen, thinking that she must've broken a rib.

Okita expected this to happen, but the strength and speed of her attacks were _inhumane_. If she was undefeatable in her usual self, then what about _this_? There was no way he could "beat her into senses" if she was unbeatable right from the start. And the fact that this wasn't even _her_ made this case even more severe.

He had to think of another approach to bring her back; hopefully there's still something left inside her that could be salvaged. He could only wish that the monster had not consumed her too much. At this rate she's going, he had to act fast to be able to claim the annoying optimistic girl back from the monster residing within her.

He rose up promptly, ready for another onslaught as he set his katana forward. She charged at him and he swung his sword out to steer her away. However, she grabbed the sword by the blade to pull him forward and planted a punch on his face. He spat out blood, but he held on while he tried to avoid a side jab from her.

He managed to send a kick in her way when she was clutching the blade, and in that one crucial second of disruption, he succeeded to free her seize on his sword.

He didn't intend to _use_ his sword; he really didn't.

In fact, he didn't want to afflict on her any wound at all.

But she had, instead, taken that opening and exploited it.

Blood was slowly gushing out from the gaping wound on her palm. However, she didn't seem to feel hurt or even care about it, which again made him wonder whether her Yato blood had sucked her sanity dry.

Paying no heed to the bleeding, she got up in a dash and swept down for an underkick. He narrowly evaded that one, stumbling backwards when he landed from his jump.

She lunged forward immediately, pausing when she was a finger away from the edge of his sword, and then nimbly leaping up for a high jump kick after a second of thoughtless glaring.

He was able to dodge the attack unharmed, but an agile kick left him lying on the floor. Rolling to the side to evade her incoming stomp, he somersaulted as far as he could from her range of attack.

Apparently her stomp was so powerful that it dented a hole on the roof, hence getting her leg trapped in that hole. Had he not been quick enough to avoid that strike, he would've ended up with a hole on his torso.

"China." He spoke out faintly, walking towards her with no air of fear in his demeanor. He stared into her—right into her eyes—ignoring the trails of blood showering her face.

The gaze in her eyes was intense. It was a mix of so many emotions at once, and he had to secretly admit that it was beautiful in its own right—how shameful.

Yet right now he had forgone his personal penchant and instead focused on her—not this raging killer, but _her._

"China..." again, he softly called out. "I know you're struggling inside."

The girl thrashed about in an attempt to free herself, ignoring the scrapings it caused on her leg.

Seeing her going on a slaughtering rampage was one thing, but seeing her becoming _undone_ as she was, was another thing. It had registered in him into something that even he himself wished not to see.

It was agonizing.

How did she manage to withstand everything without destroying herself?

And just how much—how much strength has she suppressed all this while, while she had been trying to live a normal life as a normal human being?

Okita tightened his jaw.

Unhurriedly, he sheathed his sword and unhooked the sheath from his belt, letting his weapon fall onto the ground with a loud thud. Her gaze followed the sword's descent, eyes pursuing the tumbling and falling of his katana until it finally dropped onto somewhere unreachable within their bodily limits.

Her ferocious stare traveled back to Okita, who, unexpectedly, did not seem to mind where his only means of defense ended up at. Kagura narrowed her eyes aggressively, feeling suffocated by the clashing voices in her head.

Considering their history, there was no reason for her to not fight him. With the way she was now, it would've been easy for her to annihilate him, even if he had hand combat skills. It was probably against his better judgment for him to cast his weapon away; he probably knew her Yato self had taken over, and yet, he didn't seem to care.

Did this bastard even value his life?

Go away.

_Go away._

"China..." the cadence in his voice was something she'd never heard from the infamous sadist. "I know you want to win this fight, but killing everyone is not the solution. Letting your other self go on rampage is not the solution."

_Go away._

"You're in pain, aren't you? I know you're scared. But you can't let the monster devour you. Fight it."

Her clenched fists started to quiver.

"Don't let the monster take control of you. Fight that bastard."

The girl let out a loud screech that sounded like a painful scream —continuously, for a long moment.

She began to aggressively yank her legs, like an animal in captive. She flailed and rattled about as if her body was on fire, all the while roaring in agony. A droplet of tear fell and trailed over the dry blood on her cheek.

Okita felt an unfamiliar pang of ache on his chest as he watched her unravel.

Her fear was projected evidently by her whole being—it was painful to watch, and even more painful to imagine what's going on inside herself.

Any human being would be terrified by this sight, and truthfully, he, Okita Sougo _was_ frightened too. It's true that in his line of work, he had to see a lot of gruesome violence —even some of which were more disturbing than this— but he couldn't deny that this whole night of monstrosity had a deeper impact on him than any others that he'd seen.

But it wasn't simply because this was _China_.

It was because of the sheer pain of watching someone so optimistic and blameless, fall into the abyss of self-destruction and bloodshed.

No matter how much he liked violence, his mind just couldn't sit well with what's happening right now. And even though he was afraid, he couldn't afford to allow himself to feel that way.

Thus, he repressed his fear.  For, what's necessary for her now was someone who wasn't scared of her, someone to _accept_ her both sides entirely.

—Someone who believed in her.

And he did. He had always believed in her.

There was not one time he'd ever doubted her strength. Even as she was being eclipsed by her Yato self, he believed that she would find her way out of it.

But he couldn't leave her fighting the darkness by herself.

He had to pull her out.

"China," he looked at her wistfully, "You're strong enough even without letting loose. You're stronger than anyone I've met. You're stronger than the monster itself. Chug that bastard monster away. I know you can do it."

**CREAAK!**

A loud noise resounded as Kagura successfully set her trapped leg free. As soon as she did, she started charging towards him, blowing strikes and punches while her legs were recovering.

"China, you don't need to let loose at all!" he called out as he got away from a jab on his left, "I know you don't!"

She replied with a punch.

"I fought you so many times—" he evaded the punch by a strand of hair, "I know you don't need to fight like this. Slam that monster away. You're strong enough as yourself!"

Hastily, he dodged a head-on punch and an elbow strike in a row. He tried all his might to catch his breath as he shouted in between his evasion efforts, "Everyone knows that you are!"

Okita noticed her attacks were getting a tad slower each time he spoke. In between his desperate effort to bail her out, he was truly relieved that his words were getting through her somehow.

Even a bit—even a bit was enough for him.

"You're strong enough to defeat that monster inside you!"

Another punch dodged, albeit a slow one.

"You won't gain anything from this. You'll defeat everyone, but in the end you won't win anything!" —he didn't stop trying to get through her soul despite being short of breath— "You don't want this! I know it. Stop and fight the madness inside your head! Eat that damn monster if you have to! Think about Danna and Shinpachi-kun. They wouldn't want to see you like this!"

At the mention of the two most important guys in her life, she completely halted her movements. He edged away from her while preparing for any sudden assault, but was shocked to find her quivering figure kneeling down.

She was clutching her head and screaming out.

He observed wordlessly, deciding to allow the girl her own space. Internal war, after all, was one of the most destructive things of being a member of the battlefield. He knew how it felt—and to this day, he could undoubtedly say that it was the most difficult fight that even he had _yet_ to totally overcome.

The man himself squatted down, his limbs sore from their earlier fight. His jacket was stained, but it didn't prevent him from wiping his face with it. This Yato sure had put up one hell of a fight, he thought.

Between this delicate girl and the rampaging monster earlier, just how much force had she bottled up till now? How unfair was the world, to let this small girl shoulder this amount of force by herself?

And how many times, as a Yato, had she been subjected to being the 'little killing doll', when she, in fact, was so far away from it?

A droplet of blood landed on the ground where she knelt on, prompting him to unconsciously inch towards her. Instinctively, he reached out to her, placing his hands on her trembling fists. He clasped on her hands softly—as if he was, too, in pain.

Kagura looked up at him for a brief moment—and then she limply fell into his arms.

A wave of shock overcame him while he shuffled over her slumped figure, frantically checking for her vitals.

He let an unusually heavy sigh of relief when he found that her heart was _indeed_ beating.

Anyone could've passed out after this big of a brawl, he thought. And it might be best for her to rest and forget about everything for a while. With the things that she had gone through, it wouldn't be a surprise if she had not been able to make it—but she did.

She did, and that's what mattered.

He let himself get lost in the moment and embraced her unconscious figure, his heart aching for reasons unknown to him.

The man gathered his remaining strength, making his way to the Yorozuya with her in tow, bringing her to her rightful "home".

It takes a huge amount of strength to suppress such a powerful force from your own blood. He might not understand how painful it might've been, but this time onwards, he's willing to shoulder it for her.

And he would do it bare; weaponless, with nothing to risk aside from his life.

**Author's Note:**

> My honest feelings:  
> Like I said, I have always LOVED Okita's acceptance of Kagura's strength. He seems like he doesn't care, but he canonically acknowledges that she's strong and probably admits that she's even stronger than him, so I wanted to project this. I don't know if I succeeded or not with this fic, and frankly, I think that I might have overdone it a bit, but that's just how invested I am with this idea.  
> Please scream to me about okikagu, you're more than welcome to do so. In fact, please do so. I beg of you.  
> You scream, I scream, we all scream. Because in okikagu, screaming is love.


End file.
